The Ides of August

I started smoking cigarettes the last week of July.

I already know that it was a dumb idea, so don't you dare get preachy on me.

I haven't smoked for more than five years, for the purpose of staying healthy. Now I'm thinking of this whole thing like a science experiment: a chance for me to say that I can do whatever I want whenever I want. A chance for me to exert my willpower over a concept as retarded as cigarette-smoking for the unaddicted. And I've got to tell you, it's nice.

It's nice to say "I don't really care" from time to time.

I know that I am back to smoking on-the-regular now, here in the ides of August. I smoke somewhere between six and ten cigarettes per day (and on some days I smoke even more than that). Mostly I smoke after a meal or on a walk. And I feel alright with it (for now).

I acknowledge that this is temporary, and I plan to quit by the end of August.

Reactions from others have been myriad. Most people are turned-off by the idea, not wanting to be around it. Many are perplexed to see me smoke. I brandished a cigarette at my weekly frisbee game and one of the players (Michael) found it to be an unwise decision. I know he's right, but again, this is temporary. I'm not going to hide it from anyone - I even told my Mom I started to smoke again. As a staunch non-smoker, I believe she took it fairly well.

I've felt the sluggishness, the cravings. My clothes stink like cigarettes and I generally smell bad now, smoky. I see how expensive cigarettes are. That's probably the worst part about this experiment: how much fuckin' money these tobacco companies make off of people's addictions.

I'm not afraid. I need to challenge my willpower.

I want the freedom to say that I can do what I want when I want.

And this is the worst-and-yet-most-definitive way to prove it.

Hate it (as much as I do) if you like.

And draw your own conclusions.